August 12, 2019

Below are some words that really resonated with me these past few weeks:

“Why does it still hurt if I’m healing?”  That’s something I would ask of emotion pain- not physical. It’s not confusing to me why my shoulder still sometimes hurts years after surgery. I easily interpret the physical pain as a caring reminder to be gentler there. But when I feel heart pain, years later, I immediately question, “Shouldn’t I be over this? ... And after all the healing work I’ve been doing?”. “I don’t feel pain anymore”is not the goal or end result of healing. “This pain has no effect on my self worth” is more like.

- Unknown

 I read this clutter of words and I let them sink deep in to my heart and soul. It resonates with me in so many ways. It’s funny that I and maybe others can let physical pain, scars, or bruises remind us that we are human, but when emotional pain creeps into our space we instantly want to rejectthat reality.

Adoption reminds me this quote. There are plenty of days where my thoughts, hurts, and questions about my own adoption story don’t affect me. I live my life and hold my head high as I go throughout my day. Then a situation happens; I get triggered; my fears flood in like a tsunami ready to destroy any good thing that has grown; I fall down and trust me, I fall hard.

On those days I often feel guilty, stupid, worthless, and confused. I question why something from so long ago still is impacting me today. I question why I believe that my people who I know won’t ever leave my side make me feel extreme emotions of rejection or abandonment. My emotions crash over me as I sit in the uncomfortable reality that processing my adoption journey will never be fully complete.

As those situations come up, I have found that I have been better about opening up about my adoption and the pain that came from it. My family, friends, and community have provided mea space where we are able to process, pray, discuss, and forgive. My emotions,thoughts, fears, and questions are listened to as people better get to understand me and my story. Sometimes we go over the same piece of my story,but by talking about it we somehow discover a new perspective which provides healing and peace in my heart and mind.

So, what have I taken away from that quote or from my experience? Well, community is needed. Acknowledging the pain is needed.Finding healing is needed. Speaking one’s story is needed. Hope is needed.

 I see and know what is needed. For however long it takes, I will continue to speak that to others so that they too can help provide this for adoptees.

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