On Sunday it was Mother’s Day. Typically, that is a day that I love celebrating, because having a reason to celebrate my (adoptive) mother who is somewhat of a super star always seems like a good idea. I mean, after all, she has shown me how to love unconditionally, taught me how to be understanding of others, and has accepted me during my best and worst times. Truly truly I tell you, I am and will be forever grateful that I get to call her my mom.
Now, while most of the day consisted of joyful thoughts,memories, and reasons to celebrate my mom on Mother’s Day, the day also consisted of processing Mother’s Day from a different perspective - my adoptee’s perspective. Randomly throughout my day I felt overwhelmed with sadness,anxiousness, disappointment, frustration, and bitterness. Instead of embracing the truth behind all the typical Hallmark cards that speak a positive truth about who one’s mom is, I just kept thinking, “But what if they aren’t?”
For some reason this year my feelings towards Mother’s Day were all over the map. It honestly was a bit confusing and embarrassing as I couldn’t quite determine where my feelings were coming from. I knew it wasn’t since I was adopted, because I had always known that; but instead, I realized those feelings stemmed from recently gaining a better understanding about my adoption story. As I learn more information about my story, background, and birth family, I find that there are times where it is just too overwhelming with me to come to terms. The picture or fantasy that I had dreamt up to be was different than what my reality was and honestly, there are moments where it just breaks my heart.
I think the hardest truth for me was facing the reality of why I was put up for adoption and how that impacted my birth family I left behind. As a child I created a story of the reasons, purpose, and heart behind this, and yet as an adult I learned that my story was far off. Figuring out that truth created an internal conflict in me that apparently arises on a day where moms are to be celebrated. A dialogue of who I know a mom can be and what a mom wasn’t replayed in my head throughout the day.
Now, as it has been a few days after Mother’s Day, I know that I feel better. I feel a bit more at peace and can see that there are things I need to do to help me accept my reality. This may mean I have to embrace difficult conversations, new adventures, and altering my expectations when it comes to certain people or situations. Trust me, this won’t be easy and there will likely be a lot of emotion, even more than what was expressed on Mother’s Day, but it’s something I need to do.